Taking a Breath - The Road to Jenny - Transgender Universe

The Road To Jenny

A series about the journey of a transgender woman and her family

“Taking a Breath”

The warmth of the sun caressed my face as I listened to the soft chirping of birds in the distance. Our hike around the lake brought us to this peaceful spot, perfect for a spontaneous picnic on a beautiful day. Ailani sat on the bench next to the old castle crunching Cheetos and trying to peek inside the window to see if anyone would let her in. Seeing the magic of the world in her eyes makes me stop and take more stock in the daily happenings around us. Her innocent curiosity cleanses my soul.  Protecting her innocent view of the world is always a worry of mine. I watch quietly in amazement as she so intently stares in through the window, making every silhouette she sees something from one of her story books.

“..we had come out unscathed and stronger from it all.”

Taking a Breath -The Road to Jenny - Transgender UniverseFor a minute, I try to remember the last time I had that kind of open outlook of the world, as getting caught in the riptide of worry and planning has been a way of life for so long. There is always some project I am working on or plan I am making to better our lives and our family. My train of thought breaks as Mandy leans over and plants a soft kiss on my lips. I can taste the slice of apple she just finished.  She whispers “I love you. This is a perfect Easter day.” We had all earned a much needed break from the rat race and our elation was visible in our faces. These past few months had been full of holidays, sick relatives, a long distance move, a new school, crazy schedules, writing, politics, therapists, and so much more but we had come out unscathed and stronger from it all. I leaned in, staring into Mandy’s eyes and said “It is a perfect day, I love you.” We snuggled up to each other and enjoyed the gorgeous day. As I sat next to this magnificent building looking out at the perfect green field an idea began to sink in. I can finally take a breath!

“I do not believe that my transition will ever be over or finished in any kind of measurable way.”

For the first time in years I was able to stop and take note of how far and how much I had accomplished. A day before my grandmother was giving me advice on my weekly article series and during the conversation she told me that I needed to introduce more of the happiness of “making it” into my articles. “You accomplished what you wanted to. Just enjoy it.” I remember her saying. I do not believe that my transition will ever be over or finished in any kind of measurable way. I will always have something to improve within myself or a social injustice to be passionate about. How can I give in when there are so many of us still fighting for our lives? But this is not what she meant at all. This is a woman who raised four kids in diapers by herself when her husband died suddenly, during a time when women didn’t have many rights and definitely didn’t make fair wages.  If anyone knows about fighting for your family it is her. Her point had been lost on me during our conversation, but like all great lessons it became evident later on. It was simply, just stop and bask in all that you have accomplished. Enjoy what you have for a moment then continue on your way.

The Road to Jenny - Taking a Breath - Transgender UniverseBeing transgender adds complications to an already complicated life, but it also adds a beauty to our lives. The fight can be long and full of hardships, so it makes it all that much more important to take a good look at what we have accomplished and not just focus on what we have yet to accomplish. Just take a moment and breathe.