These past two weeks took their toll on my physical and emotional self. I had a scheduled business trip to Las Vegas, followed by a three-day manager building, “skills institute” seminar I was ‘volunteered’ to attend back in New York. Confidence in the quality of my writing ability became septic. My race training has taken on a daily intensity that leaves my muscles feeling like aspic. Then, hello dysphoria my unwelcome Olympus Mons. Feigning happiness during these weeks, took its toll on me. So much so, I began pining for pursuits I missed out on, taking solace in the misery of ruing my roads not travelled.
Through some ironic twist, I ceased seeing myself as female
What brought me here is of importance to me and my therapist. That I arrived, is what I care to share. Through some ironic twist, I ceased seeing myself as female. Nor did I regress to feeling male neither. I felt…like “I” didn’t “fit.” All this Estrogen coursing through my systems saying, “girl, what the ef is wrong?”
“Shut up, you absolutely know!”
“Lets talk this out, I’m not ready to….”
I was punishing myself for what I didn’t do in my life. What I knew I should have had the opportunity to strive for. I love the visual and writing arts, SFX, filmmaking. All of it. I can say it is what I’m built for. Would I have been born fully female from the womb, I would have pursued all those endeavors. Success or failure wasn’t the point, what I missed was opportunity. I built defense mechanisms as a coping strategy for my insecure youth of who/what I was. I shielded my life behind regret.
A feature defense mechanism of mine is to recoil. When people would begin getting close, sharing, I would feel the terror of conflict rise inside. How can I reciprocate? Playing “over protective mother” to myself, throughout my life, I would orchestrate events to alienate and push people away before any divulgence occurred. Safe, but far afield from sound. Ironic, that I was now in conflict with my very self.
My Mephistopheles of insecurity and fear resurfaced in fetid fashion. I began systematically imploding. I stopped taking care of myself. Nothing seemed to matter. I pushed away the two people who loved me the most, and of whom I loved and cared for above everything. I felt paralyzing guilt for dragging them down with me.
I stopped working on my screenplay. I also ceased handing in screenwriting homework assignments, consequentially, being dropped from the class. Writing, my golden love, became unimportant. Even submitting my next article for Transgender Universe felt daunting. What was I doing? It all felt pointless.
Training for my most vigorous [insane] endurance challenge of my life, became futile. Every training session, every exercise, every routine I made more daunting by being so negative at my accomplishments.
And then…Orlando. The Pulse. When I heard the newscaster jump to ‘terrorism’, I tuned out. I hadn’t yet digested any significant information to jump to that conclusion, neither had much information been yet available. But terrorism seemed a news worthy, sensationalist explanation. Then it became a massacre against the LGBT community. I became enraged. The act of utter violence waged against members of the LGBT community, my community. It was NOT terrorism.
Something switched inside me. I realized I was out of balance. My mind, body, spirit and emotion were all akimbo. I needed to bring my ‘self’ back into balance.
I realized that punishing myself for my past was puerile
I realized that punishing myself for my past was puerile. The roads I did travel brought me here, to this very moment. Being involved in a relationship with a woman who challenges me to be the best I can; sees worth in me. Priceless. I write for an ever expanding web site promoting a positive and honest LGBT community. Priceless. I resurrected my screenplay, and was also allowed back in the screenwriting class. Training has taken renewed focus and vigor. Priceless. Now have TONS to catch up on -bring it!
My skills may have aged, but so does wine and cheese. My roads not travelled parallel in scope to the roads I have travelled. I have achieved my female center, and retaining it will be slippery. Any journey worth taking is worth all the risks and rewards. Each day is a gift, open it with a smile.
mir, irini, peace, amn,
-jahn
