During our time on earth we will receive shocking and unexpected news or experience a traumatic event, most likely more than once. These things happen to everyone and are totally out of our control. The death of people close to us, an illness, divorce, losing a job or being devastated in a natural disaster are just some examples. There is no way to avoid these things from happening as it is part of life. It is with hope that we can move through these events gracefully and come out the other side stronger than we were before. Having a partner or spouse come out to you as transgender is one of those events.

“I can still remember the moments after my wife told me that she was transgender.”

I can still remember the moments after my wife told me that she was transgender. It was like having an outer body experience and going deaf at the same time. I am not really sure what she said after that. Sitting there next to her on the couch, I felt as though I was across the room from her. I could see her mouth was moving as if she were speaking, but I couldn’t hear her words. My brain took me away. I could only hear my internal dialogue chattering away with questions like, when and how will this happen or what will our families say? How will I feel if she leaves me for a man and thoughts of living out the rest of my life aloneThis quick and sudden rush of thoughts all at once made my head spin.

The Shock of Hearing Your Husband Say I Am Transgender - UA Nigro - Transgender Universe

After receiving news of this sort, our first feelings are usually shock and disbelief. We might even experience the impulse to yell, scream, and kick our spouse out of the house. Wrapping your head around this is difficult at best. I couldn’t even believe what I had just heard. So I needed to bring myself back into the conversation. I needed to be present. I needed to comprehend what I was hearing. I reminded myself to breathe, listen and stay in the moment. In the days that followed our conversation, the shock wore off. Other feelings began to emerge and I started looking for support. For some spouses feelings of anger, sadness, fear, panic or depression may arise. All of which are okay and perfectly normal. It is important to share these feelings and get them out in the open with people whom you trust.

” Underneath it all I couldn’t deny that I was still madly in love with this person and it simply didn’t matter what she was wearing.”

We have always had an open and honest relationship and enjoyed sharing our feelings with one another. Once she had this revaluation, I was the first person she wanted to share it with. Juggling all these feelings in the weeks that followed on my own was difficult. I took to the Internet to find some resources. I found opportunities to sit alone with my thoughts to examine how I was feeling about everything and I kept a journal. I took the time to take care of myself while I was walking through life, as if it was not about to change drastically. I spent time doing the kind of things that have always brought joy to my life to feel normal again. Eventually I began therapy and in doing so, I found myself a community. Together we cried a little and laughed a lot. Underneath it all I couldn’t deny that I was still madly in love with this person and it simply didn’t matter what she was wearing.

The Shock of Hearing Your Husband Say I Am Transgender - Trans Partners - Transgender Universe

As the weeks turned into months, the panic and fear withered away. Something that I could have never predicted through all this, happened. We somehow fell more in love with one another. Our already close relationship became exceptionally intimate. Never before had I noticed there was this “thing” between us forming a wedge. Not until it was gone. It was that realization that made traveling down this path with my wife a walk to remember. Every flower needs water and sunlight to continue to grow, just as every relationship needs honesty, respect, and love to continue to grow. Nothing of worth in this world comes easy and every relationship deserves a fighting chance. I am two years into my wife’s transition and extremely delighted in my decision to stay. We have taken on this journey together, side by side, upholding our vows for better or worse and I can’t wait to see what life has in store for us next.

  • Michaela Rebekah

    It doesn’t quite work like this for Christian Transgender people like myself.. **Deep sigh** Divine Law trumps human love and even intimate love between spouses even if such spouses are grossly misunderstanding Divine Law, they will still feel justified in reporting you to your elders to try to save you from yourself first, then excommunication if you don’t recant, followed by leaving you (which might have happened already waiting for you to recant and repent) and then divorcing you as they would place this under sexual sins which are summed up under the Seventh Commandment and hence a form of adultery, the only permitted reason to divorce per Divine Law. Then you will lose everything, including the rights to raise or even see your own children as they will fight tooth and nail to prevent you from seeing your children because of bad influences that you could place on them.

    But as I said, they are grossly misunderstanding and misinterpreting Divine Law which there is nothing about Transgenderism within the law nor is it moral or immoral and I can rectify myself being transgender completely with my faith now using the scriptures but sadly neither my wife nor my church would be open to it and thus I have to deeply hide myself for massive fear of unjust persecution by my wife, wife’s family or our church.. And it makes me feel awful and disgusted with myself for not being able to be who I really am deep inside and have to put on a mask every single day of my life… **Cries**

    • Tess

      If you have to deny who you are and hide your real self from the world to stay with your wife and your church, maybe you need to admit that your marriage isn’t really the union of two souls and it isn’t working. And maybe you need to admit that your church isn’t one that you belong in and seek out a different, more supportive one.

      None of this is easy in any way, heaven knows. But some stories don’t have the ending that this blog post did. The story of my transition and my marriage ended differently. And it sounds like maybe yours will have to as well.

      I hope you will get to a place where you can recognize that you deserve to be happy and deserve to be yourself even if it means you have to upset the apple cart in order to get there.

      Sending love and prayers,


  • Shauna Marie O’Toole

    I am a transgender woman. Back in 2006, I came out to my then wife – and was promptly handed my bag and told I could see the kids on the weekend. I have since remarried to another woman. Recently, my spouse has also started transitioning. Now, I find myself in a hetero relationship when I always considered myself a lesbian. However, I love my spouse to death. Though I have walked this path, I now have intimate understanding of the other side of the coin.

    Honest and open communication is the key to any relationship – especially one that is undergoing a significant rearranging. There have been a couple times I asked my now-husband to put the brakes on his transition for a week or so – just so I can get mentally caught up with him. I will be there when he takes his first dose of T, though I am NOT looking forward to Puberty 2.0. I will be there when he goes for surgery.

    I love him, and he loves me. Everything else is window dressing.