I am still very much in love with my wife and couldn't imagine my life without her in it, however lately I have noticed a need for a

I have been with my wife for fourteen years total, married for ten. Together we have experienced some of the highest highs and lowest lows. Raising three girls, moving about ten times, money issues, getting great jobs and loosing them, family drama, deaths, natural disasters, and losing everything. We have always come through these events stronger together. Then she came out as transgender a few years ago. This was new territory to map out for both of us. She expressed feelings of wanting to stay married to me, and that made me happy. I knew that my love for her was unconditional and like everything else in our lives together, we could get through anything.

“…it seems that somewhere along the way the word transgender has infused itself into everything we do, everything we own and everywhere we go.”

I believe that we have navigated through transition with as much grace as we could muster. Educating anyone and everyone who wanted to listen along the way. With only the best intentions and lots of love in our hearts. A little over two years, we continue to grow together through these changes. However, it seems that somewhere along the way the word transgender has infused itself into everything we do, everything we own and everywhere we go. It has moved into our house and taken over the guest room. We were once a “normal” heterosexual couple who didn’t warrant a second look. Now we are the transgender couple in the neighborhood who everyone is curious about.

The transgender is with us when we go out and my wife is scared of being clocked. It is with us at home when our family conversation is consumed with transgender. As we are getting dressed for work, transgender brings dysphoria to our routine. Transgender is to blame for the way my family has treated my wife and I. Transgender is present when I take my wife to the doctor. Also present when speaking of any changes my wife might like to make with work. Transgender has implanted itself everywhere. It is almost like the story of the “Scarlet Letter.” The “T” in transgender is with us wherever we go.

I am still very much in love with my wife and couldn't imagine my life without her in it, however lately I have noticed a need for a "transgender time out."So I scoured the transgender friendly chat rooms and forums. I wanted to know if transgender ever moved out of couple’s lives or if it was going to be with us forever. My research was a flop. It is very difficult to find a couple where one of the partners has transitioned a long time ago, (With the exception of the well known couples who have written books about there experience) and stayed together. This seems to be a new occurrence. From what I have seen in interviews with the famous couples, transgender is still a word used in their vocabulary everyday. It is still a huge part of their lives. They still wear their scarlet “T” in everything that they do. Transgender will be with us till the end.

“…lately I have noticed a need for a ‘transgender time out.'”

I am still very much in love with my wife and couldn’t imagine my life without her in it, and I am still in awe of the strength she has shown since we started this journey. However, lately I have noticed a need for a “transgender time out.” A little time set aside to talk about, or think about something other than the fact that my wife is transgender, a need to immerse myself into something else. A good book, a nature walk, time spent with a friend, window-shopping or anything that brings me happiness seems to do the trick. The old adage is true, you need to take care of yourself before you can take care of others. Find some time to recharge your batteries and care for your needs. You will feel like a new person ready to take on those challenges each and everyday.

  • VictorIs

    I transitioned almost 10 years ago and was married at the time.
    My husband and I are still married, and our relationship is as close as ever.
    Our lives do not revolve around the whole Transgender thing, though I do know that they did for a while and if your wife is anything like I am then she too is probably tired of everything being transgender all the time.
    It takes time to find a new normal, but it can be found, and it’s out there, and if you love her and want to be with her, then you can find your way there.

    And why is it hard to find us on transgender forums?… maybe because it’s because transgender has become such a small part of our lives that we don’t even go to the forums any more? Or, at least, that’s why I’m not around there.

    I keep an eye on the world though, through facebook, and reading this article I just felt I had to let you know, that we’re out here, living our lives, lives that no longer revolve around transition and transgender, and that we’re happy together. We’re proof that it’s possible.

  • Quiet Dignity

    My wife and I married 26 years ago. I came out to her nearly four years ago. Over the years since my revelation we have negotiated limits on my transition to support her personal limitations. We found ourselves in about a six month cycle wherein she would reach overload on the thought of my trans woman existence and her mourning would escalate to the point of sheer anger and we’d end up being torn apart. This has gone on with surprising regularity. Our last event was a little over a month ago, and I finally left to put an end to my own anguish and self-loathing that her episodes brought out in me. Since I’ve never fully transitioned to support my wife, I’m always astonished at straight spouses who somehow become allies and preserve the marriage. Despite my gender issues, I put my marriage first and tried to heed the advice of Helen Boyd and go as slow as possible to keep up with my spouse. Obviously, everyone’s tolerance and acceptance is different, and older generations seem to harbor more bias against diversity of all kinds, but I clung to the hope that our love would hold us together. Down time from things trans works just fine for those like yourself who are accepting. I would guess that internalized transphobia for your wife is far less of an issue simply because of your support. I wish that I’d been able to get such support from my spouse. You’re an angel in my eyes. Thanks so much for advocating for transgender people through writing and activism.

  • Diana Lynn Langton

    Fear not….that time will come… maybe already has… trans people get very tired of talking about trans crap too…. signed…. a trans wife with a cis wife…. 12 years into transition…. although transition finished quite a while ago.

  • Jackie C.

    I have been with my wife for 22 years, married for 19. I transitioned 7 years ago, 1 week short of 2 years after my ” oh my god that’s my problem” epiphany. Being trans is a what, not a who, knowing that, the worry about being outed isn’t there. I love my wife for who she is, she loves me for who I am. Love is all that matters, not what the neighbors think, most definitely not what some stranger thinks. Life was good before transition, life us good today.
    Joy and happiness to the two if you
    Jackie C

    • chloe c

      Great attitude, I have been married for 11 years and fully transitioned 2 years ago and the marriage couldn’t be any better. Like you said ” Love is all that matters, not what the neighbors think”.

  • Jackie C.

    I’m glad your still here

  • Tanya Baker

    Maybe you and your wife should check out the website autostraddle, since you also are in a queer/wlw relationship.

  • Martina Winkworth

    Love this story. It is so close to home as my wife and I are in exactly the same situation. Would love to chat with you guys.

  • Robert Simmons

    I am a cis man so this is from my own experience. I have dated two long term trans women. One is 15 years post-op. The other has lived female from childhood. I have met many others, one in her 80s.

    From what I see is that they become less visible in the world. They often live very dynamic lives and excel in a chosen career. They make wonderful parents. They just live life like anyone else.

    No, transgender never leaves. It is the same as being a man somehow could leave me, does not compute. It does, with time, become what is normal for you and those around you. Everything is going to be okay!